The steps that turned me into who I am:
  1. I never had to interact as much as other kids in kindergarten since I had a twin who always talked for me
  2. This resulted in me not being capable of talking to people
  3. Since I cannot understand kids of my age, for my sanity and desire for connection’s sake, I turned my attention to adults
  4. I analyzed them and became the ‘model student’ that always follow their desires in order to acquire their attention. For children, attention is love. So the attention of adult was truly all I needed and wanted.
  5. As a result of lack of communication, I haven’t!t developed the commun sense everyone has. This hurt, as it means I am never able to distinguish between jokes and insults and accept them all head on as insult, since I am used to this. I can’t even understand the most basic message people are trying to convey with their simple sentence.
  6. The only source of hobbies I developed as a kid other than grabbing the attention of adults(which made me into a workaholic) is the regular addictions all kids can so easily develop in this modern era. Kid shows, games, videos. They are all unhealthy obsessions that made me who I am. I also developed a love for using my body, for like parkour, rock climbing and running. But those obsessions aren’t are strong as the other ones. With Covid 19, obsessions have really easily gotten a hold of me and made me addicted to the internet.
  7. Since COVID 19 all the way to my fourth secondary, I have been in a sort of despair. Weak despair, no depression or stuff like that. Just a lack of value in my existence. I hated and was just so disappointed in myself. I honestly wouldn’t have mind dying when I learned the amount of money kids take away from their parent by existing. I thought it could my parent more financial security if I were to die. I lost value in my existence and my future. I guess this is pretty stupid of me. My death would have scarred them and it would bring them more sadness no financial security would bring them. I would have abandoned them.
  8. 1,5 years ago, which is the start of the new year. The start of 2024. I seems to have gotten a thing I thought was only fictional. A goal. I couldn’t understand how characters in story could have such powerful ambitions, apart from those whose ambition come from tragedy. I have thought that the only way for people to have ambition is if they were to experience tragedy, something impossible in my world. Kids live too peacefully, they won’t feel pain and they won’t become strong mentally, everyone in my school and myself is a proof of that. But then, I found my ambition, stories. Popular story such as one piece and Harry Potter have influenced a big audience. And story teach lesson, right? 
  9. Here is my ambition, I want to have a big audience to a story I will write so that people will learn lesson that will make them not experience a crap life like mine. It all start with a single step that I never did. A single step that would lead you to a normal childhood and teenaghood that I will be trying to acquire in just one year, this year.
  10. The step is to make friends.
-- nicholas 10:39 27/09/2025

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